Myss Lafunky Reader Responds to: 'To kiss or not to Kiss'

Happy Monday to you all!

How was your weekend?  My weekend was very very very interesting, lots of programmes during the weekend, majority was based on relationships, comprehensive information about Christian families, the role of a man, the role of a wife within the marriage setting, amongst others. Finally, I was pampered with a special gift.

Hope your weekend was interesting as well? 

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I want to use this medium to express my gratitude to people that contacted me to seek guidance about no kissing and how they can stay pure during their courtship.

I want to let you all know that we/I am here for you.

One of my readers sent the below comment/post to me.  Having read her response, I believe she is entitled to one of our give-aways.

                                                  TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS

Okay, I read your article about NO THKS before marriage and I completely agree with your point of view.  Thanks a lot for your down to earth analysis. I know it will go a long way to help people who are struggling with sexual purity outside marriage. I actually put my own relationship under a self appraisal, just to ensure that I am still operating within the purity boundaries. 

However, I remembered something that happened a couple of weeks ago, that brings an interesting twist to the matter. I thought it would be nice to share it and further broaden perspectives on this issue.

Well, one night, my fiancé who was on his way back home after a long and very busy Saturday, decided to pick me up from where I was in town and gave me a ride home first. It was already very late, so we knew we could not spend much time together, but when we were about getting to my place, he let on that he has had an extremely hectic week and it had been a while that he ate good food.

He was also very tired, since he had been driving for over four hours and he planned to go to an eatery to get some fast food for dinner. My heart reacted when I heard this, and although my ‘prim and proper, stick to the rules’ mind told me to let him go as it would be inappropriate to have him in my house at that time, my sisterly (or probably Martha ministry) instinct told me that it would be wrong to let a brother go away hungry especially since it was very much within my power to do something about it!

Eventually, the Martha ministry mind prevailed and even though he initially refused, I insisted that he come in and have a meal before going home.  I quickly whipped up some very good food, and it was a pleasure to watch him eat to his heart’s content, I could tell from his smile that he was very happy. However, when he finished eating and I cleared up the dishes, he pulled me into a very tight and warm embrace which lasted for quite some time.

At some point, I thought we were going too far and I could not bear it any longer, so I pulled away and he decided that it was time to go. When he left, I started feeling very guilty because our hugging had clearly gone beyond what I thought were appropriate physical boundaries.

I started blaming myself for even allowing him to come in and have a meal at that time of the night. I could not pray and I hardly slept all night. In church the next day, I still felt very guilty and unclean. It took quite some time to assure myself that God is still a merciful God and since I have confessed he had also forgiven me. I also saw reason to thank God that he had helped us not to take it further than that.

After dealing with the burden of guilt in my heart, I began to wonder how my fiancé felt about the incident, if he also had to go through an experience as harrowing as I had just gone through. Thankfully, we communicate very well with each other and when the opportunity came to talk over the phone, I told him how I had felt and how I had found it very difficult to pray until I begged God to forgive me and take the guilt away. 

To my utter amazement, he said that he had not felt guilty at all! He was very surprised to learn that what he thought was a gesture to show his profound appreciation for what I had just done for him was for me a very sensual and sexual act.

His reaction really surprised me and taught me the importance of effective communication in setting appropriate physical boundaries in a relationship, because people’s beliefs about is so varied even amongst sons and daughters of God, and what is deemed inappropriate by one might not appear so to the other.

If we want to avoid offending one another and ultimately God in our relationships we have to effectively communicate and set appropriate limits before we go too far into our relationships.

Through very frank communication, we were able to agree on appropriate physical boundaries which would prevent either of us feeling that we had committed a sin.

I read an article online a lady’s reaction when her fiancé asked if he could kiss her. She berated him and condemned him for asking for such a thing when he was supposed to be a Christian. He said she made him feel like dung” I think that it was not proper for the lady to make her man, who was a fellow Christian, feel that way for what he asked. She should have corrected him with a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

However, I'm wondering how come they were already engaged and the brother had no inkling that his fiancée had such a strong opposition to the kissing act. Obviously they had not spelt out clear physical boundaries before they went too far along in their relationship. This incident eventually led to the ruin of their relationship.

I also had a discussion with one of my friends who recently got engaged, and she told me how she and her fiancé took time to confer and agree on physical boundaries when they made their relationship official. She said that while kissing and sex (in whatever form) were off limits, hugging was very much allowed and appreciated!!! She confided that she had no issues with that level of physical contact, because she grew up in a family where hugging and cuddling were common place (which unfortunately is not the case for most African families!).

Of course, it is not just enough to talk and agree on physical boundaries and assume that there will be no temptation to cross those limits from time to time. Temptations will arise, so be ready for them and you could also agree on what an appropriate reaction should be when one of you is tempted, e.g. leave the place.

The book “Boy meets Girl: Say hello to courtship” written by Joshua Harris is a very good book that addresses the issue of sexual and physical purity before tying the knot.

So, the objective of this write up is the need to maintain effective communication in a relationship. I think it is indeed the most effective ingredient in a successful relationship and marriage.

Instead of kissing, we should use our lips to talk to one another in love, and may the Lord help us keep utmost purity in our relationships in Jesus name.

Blessings!